Why I’m Still Over Twitter

I went a week without checking Twitter at all, but today I got so incredibly bored with the same four websites I go on (Reddit, Tumblr, Facebook, TheDailyBeast) that I checked it–speaking of which, can someone PLEASE recommend to me some entertaining websites where I can read/browse things of interest but not have to pay attention that closely? I have Thought Catalog open on a browser tab on an article called “23 Bizarre Suicides From Around The World,” which is literally just copy/pasted blurbs from news articles and Wikipedia entries about various peoples’ suicides. There was also a post called “The 9 Best Things About Men,” including “When you see them doing adult things” such as “cleaning” or “making eggs” (since when is that something an adult human should be lauded for? Isn’t that the most basic expectation? It’s like saying “goldfish are the best when they do fish things like breathing under water!” No fucking shit. That’s what they’re supposed to do. Don’t give them a medal for that.) and “How much they love my opinion,” in which the author describes glimpsing a man’s vulnerability when he asks her if she likes how he decorated “his pad” as a “treat.” This website sucks and I hate it. Anyway, I checked Twitter and I still wasn’t into it. I mean, I scrolled maybe three page lengths, probably chuckled at some tweets, favorited a couple, but mostly glossed over a 85% of my feed without reading it. I purposefully went to several friends’ feeds to see if they had tweeted anything side-splitting in my oh so long seven-day hiatus, and happily, most had.

Then I felt like I had to tweet something. So I wrote, “watching louis ck standup as a square of chocolate melts on my tongue.” Only just now did I realize that not only was that incredibly inane and self-involved, it was a complete lie. At no point today, no less the moment I claimed to be doing so, did I perform that combined action. At the time, I was indeed snacking on a square of chocolate, and had decided that I wanted to watch a Louis CK standup special later tonight, but I completely fabricated that admission. It was the first time I ever did that, and I realized that it was weird of me, so I deleted it. But this anomalous behavior begged the question, why

I’ll tell you why. Two reasons: 1) Twitter makes you feel like things that don’t matter do matter and 2) I think I’m using it wrong.

Twitter, as much as I loved it/will probably love it again in the future, deceives us into thinking that other people give a fuck what we think on a daily basis–not even a daily basis, a momentary basis–when actually, no one cares. I don’t mean this in an angsty, teenage, “UGH, no one cares about me or understands me!” way. I just mean that literally no one cares, and no one should be made to care, because whether or not I am eating a piece of chocolate, or you are out drinking, or your mom sent you a weird text message and here’s the screenshot!, or you thought of a pun, or a middle-tier comedian made a joke about babies being born this summer, is pointless, fatuous, frivolous, inane–whatever you want to call it.

I know that Twitter as a platform can be used as an innovative and progressive tool. It can spark revolutions, incubate creativity, and serve as a journal of sorts, but clearly that’s not how I’m using it because I feel like it detracts, rather than adds, to my daily life. I’m also in a bit of a rut creativity and productivity-wise, and reading different variations of the same Twitter material like a robot doesn’t seem like it would help. Additionally, I feel like the angle I’ve been taking is less “I’m gonna express myself and not care what anyone thinks because these are my thoughts and finally I have a platform on which I can express them and have them out in the open no matter how weird or lame or mean they are,” which is how I initially started tweeting three years ago and it was fun and liberating, and more “I’m going to try to make whatever mildly interesting activity I’m doing into a snarky comment or weird joke or cowardly mean jab to see if my 150 internet friends laugh!” which is probably why unconsciously I fabricated that tweet. And that is fucking lame because life is for the living, not for getting the approval of the internet. Didn’t SmarterChild teach you anything?

EDIT: I actually started watching that Louis CK special, and whaddaya know, he and I agree:

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